This week Sydney has some more “firsts”.  She got to ride in a car shopping cart with Anthony.  They were both very excited about that.  I have some adorable pictures that I need to download off of my phone.  Today she also spent some time in a swing out in the back yard.  We were outside working on the yard and Sydney got to swing on the back porch and she LOVED it!  She was giggling and watching all of the comotion around her of the dogs running around, Anthony jumping on the trampoline and riding around in his jeep, and Randall and I fixing our fence and playing with her.  The third first today was eating Mac-n-cheese.  That was a huge hit!  She gobbled up those little pastas with no trouble at all.  My sweet baby.  She is growing every day.

It was a dark and stormy night (I always wanted to write something with that beginning).  Last Wednesday we had a severe Texas storm blow through our area which was accompanied by three more storms on its tail.  Usually when we have these storms, I keep my eye on them and sit is silent concern, and of course pray for us all to be safe.  As those of you from around here know, when these severe storms roll in they can be very scary.  The thunder rattles the entire house and when there are threats of Tornadoes, the fear takes on new meaning.  It seems that they are always at night, which for me that makes them all the more frightening.  Daytime storms just don’t “feel” as intense.  Anyway, this storm came in so quickly and so intensely that I was truly nervous.  Of course Murphy’s law was at work which means that I was alone with the kids because Randall was at a going away dinner for his manager in another part of town.  (which I must add was well south of the storm and only saw a few raindrops)  At 8:30ish Sydney was settled in her room and I was reading Anthony’s bedtime story and listening to rain build in intensity and was suddenly accompanied by hail which increased in size within minutes of starting.  Now, thanks to being a military brat I have lived in some tropical places and have sat through my share of terrible weather including many hurricanes/typhoons and earthquakes.  Frankly I prefer those to the Texas weather because these tornadoes scare the stuffing out of me.  This is partly due to the fact that there was one that hit our area about 7 years ago and did a lot of damage, so it is a legitimate concern.  Ugh, but I digress.  So back to the story, I finished the book and tucked my sweet boy in, then jumped on the computer.  Yeah, yeah, I know it is dumb to be on the computer with all the lightening… blah, blah, blah, but I was really nervous about a tornado.  Sure enough there was a funnel cloud seen in Cedar Park which is next door to us and the worst of the storm was about to hit my neighborhood.  I have a two-story house and upstairs is the WORST place to be, so I pulled the kids out of bed and took them downstairs just in case we needed to hide in the bathroom.  The hail went on for what felt like an eternity and the wind was so hard it made the hail hit the windows.  It was SO LOUD!  Here I am nervous, but being calm and collected (on the outside) and Anthony thought it was great to lie down on the couch and Sydney was now wide awake as well.  Well, thankfully all was well and the storm blew over and the two following storms diminished in power.  I put the kids back in bed when things calmed down and All was well again.

You know me… here comes an analogy.  I couldn’t help but think about how this reflects how I react to trauma in my life.  I take precautions for potential harm and I sit, pray and hold my family.  All the while doing my best to make sure that my kids have no idea how concerned I am.  I responded to Anthony’s “Whys” (the boy-wonder of many questions) in a normal voice, telling him that the storm was getting rough and that it was just safer to be downstairs.  He said “Okay.  Hey mom, can I use your soft blanket?  This is fun.  We should sleep here more often...”   (you get the point)  He was oblivious that he was possibly in harms way, and of course Sydney was as well.  That meant that I was doing my job as a parent.  Last year we did a lot of this with my pregnancy and with Sydney in the hospital.  Anthony was still young, but Zachary was 7 and with us for the summer, so he was old enough to see something was going on.  I am convinced that God was helping us to keep our fears under wraps since our two Emergency room visits to stop the preterm labor happened while the kids were in school/daycare or at night when I could call a friend to be there while we made a midnight run to the ER.  Even when Sydney was in the NICU, the kids Godparents whisked the boys away for a few days of fun in the pool and great Gattiland adventures.  They thought that the birth of Sydney, one of Randall and mine’s greatest tests of faith and fear, was one of the highlights of their summer.  Thank you God for the strength that you give us to protect our children.  It must be the strength that Jesus had when he gave us, His children, the ultimate protection through sacrifice. 

It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was pregnant.  Wow, time flies.  As I look back on the last year and where I am now as opposed to where I was then, it is a true testament of the phrase letting go and letting God.  This time last year I was just entering my last trimester and our focus was watching Miss Sydney’s heart very carefully each month on our visit to the Genetic specialist.  For those of you that are not close to me, you should know that my pregnancy was a tough one.  I was practically on bed-rest from June 1st until her arrival in mid July.  I frequently joked about my pregnancy being so tough that by just knowing me, all of my friends odds of a smooth pregnancy increased.  I was that 0.2% that had every test fail.  I was borderline gestational diabetic, my hips were separating as well as my pelvic bone, I was nauseous through the first 6 months, and I had to take all of the typical tests more than once “just to be sure”.  The doctor and nurses would say things like “Mrs Holahan that can’t be, it is so rare”.  It became the joke to see how many new things would happen.  Regardless of the physical problems that plagues my pregnancy, we were sitting in fearful anticipation of Sydney’s arrival.  I remember having anxieties about my capabilities of a mom to a second child, then the unknown world of Downs syndrome added to that made my anxiety even stronger.  I was praying throughout the pregnancy that she would be healthy.  That her heart and body was healthy.  We had found peace with the diagnosis and at that point were mainly worried for her health.  I will admit that I had some hidden fears that I expressed to only a few people about my ability to stay in peace once she arrived.  I have a history of being a worry-wart, and as we all know, old habits have a tendency to sneak up on you.  But shortly after getting her diagnosis, I sat down and had a heart to heart with God about handing this child and myself over to Him for his guidance and strength.  I knew that I alone would not make it and that He would have to take the reigns.  There was a peace in that decision, that held me through my pregnancy.  So despite the fearful anticipation, Overall, I was at peace knowing that God was guiding us and that we would be “okay”. 

 So, back to Mother’s Day.  Last year my sweet husband sent 4 sets of flowers to my office.  Yes, you read that correctly, Four set of flowers; one set from Zachary, Anthony, Sydney and himself.  This year due to obvious budget constraints, we scaled back on the presents.  What he did was blow up pictures of the kids and frame them to be placed on the stairwell in full view of anyone walking in the front door.  I love my present, and that handsome hubby of mine!

It was a nice Spring day here in Central Texas, about 85 degrees with a gentle wind.  So, what would any good Texan do?  Play in the pool.  Now, before you think I an nuts, let me assure you that I have not braved the neighborhood pool with the two little ones yet.  There are many reasons for that, my personal vanity and extreme bathing-suit-o-phobia being the main one.  So, in lieu of a trip to the “big pool”, we opted for transforming the sandbox from a soupy “oops the lid was left off through two rainstorms” mushy mess into a perfect little kiddie pool.  Let em preface this little story by saying that Sydney has recently moved out of the baby tub and into the big tub, accompanied by her brother Anthony.  With this new found freedom, she has learned that splashing is GREAT FUN!!!!!  The wetter mom gets, the better!  So, an outside pool where she can splash to her heart’s content sounded like a great plan.  And like some of our well laid out plans, this one went smoothly!  No really, it did, honest.  Sydney loved the pool, Anthony played on the Batman two-lane slip and slide and I got to sit in a lawn chair and watch my kids have the time of their lives.  The neighbor Olivia came over as well to join the fun.  She is Anthony’s age, but opted for the serene kiddie pool instead of the no-hold-barred slip and slide action.  

Ahhhh, this is what it is all about.  Listening to the kids laughing and playing, watching Sydney discover new things, and realizing that my little boy Anthony looks SO grown up!  Sigh! I guess that comes with the territory.  I will enjoy these days as they come.  What a gift God has given me.

Today Anthony, Sydney and I all went to the grocery store to pick up a few items.  While we were there, mister independence insisted on going to bathroom by himself.  I am not a fan of this idea, but waver his need for independence and safety, so I let him go.  I waited for him and didn’t move from the place I was, but when he came out, he took a wrong turn and I heard the distinct sound of MY child with pure dread in his voice say one word that set my internal alarm off… “MAMA!”  I called “Anthony, I am here” and followed his voice to see my child with panic all over his face.  In reality, he was only about 20 feet away, but around a corner so he didn’t see me.  I felt so bad for him.  He was clearly shaken.  After a series of hugs, he relaxed and said “Mama, I thought you were gone forever”.   My poor baby.  I assured him that I was right here all along and hadn’t moved, and would NEVER just leave him somewhere.  It is amazing how connected to our children we are.  He said one word “Mama”, and I KNEW his fear of being lost and his hope of finding me.  I also KNEW that was my child, not someone else’s from one word.  Although it shook him up, it probably was a good thing.  He is famous for walking off and having no fear.  It was the first time I have seen him shaken.  He got over it quickly and all was well again in Anthony-land, which was apparent when we hit the checkout line and heard a familiar…. “I was good, can I get a candy?” 

On a more serious note, today I got some news second hand that a dear friend of mine just found out that she will be battling a very serious health issue.  I have not talked to her directly, but my heart is just torn for her and her family.  She is getting ready to fight a battle for her life and I know that she is frightened.  She has a baby and just celebrated her first anniversary recently so has just come out of a place of safety when suddenly she hit a similar panic that Anthony had today.  Anthony realized that he was lost and alone so called for his mama, the one who can comfort him.  My friend is also lost.  She is looking for answers and is calling out “Father, Where are you?”  Tonight, my heart is very heavy as I write this entry.  What I desperately want to convey to my friend is that God is just around the corner and she need just to STAND STILL and call HIS name.  Like a mother hearing her child cry out for her, God hears and KNOWS her fear and will come to her and wrap his arms around her.  I pray for her to stand still and let him find her.  Here are some scripture to pray on:

 Proverbs 3:6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.

Oh dear.  The title says it all.  Before I tell you what happened, let me get you up to speed…  My last day at Dell was last Friday.  It was a a great day with a luncheon with my team and a happy hour on the porch of Joe’s crab shack.  I received some sweet cards and two gifts.  I worked with GREAT people!  Although that was my last day at work, this week the kids were at Jennifer’s (daycare) Mon-Wed, finishing out the month.  This left me three days to myself before officially going on-duty as full time mom.  So, I spent Mon and Tues cleaning my house!  Woo hoo, sounds like fun, right?!?  No, you don’t think so???  Well, it needed to be done and was easier without the kiddos underfoot.  Besides, it alleviated the messy house stress.  On Wednesday I took a little time for myself and got a massage.  Ahhh…delightful!  Whoever invented massages should get a Nobel Peace prize.  If everyone got a massage on a regular basis, I am convinced that there would be no wars.  Life is just fabulous after a massage.

So, today was my first day at home with the kids.  Now, take in mind,  I am perfectly capable of taking care of my children on the weekends and every weeknight.  I am even pretty good at taking care of them when they are sick.  Not to mention, I was home with them for two months alone during maternity leave…. so what happened, you ask?!?  How did I break the baby and what the heck does that mean?  Well. life was going along well this afternoon.  We were out in the backyard enjoying the nice day and Anthony was playing with the hose.  Alright, I admit it, I let him play on the trampoline with the hose.  He and Chuy, my border collie, were completely soaked and having a blast.  Sydney was in the walker and I was cleaning the patio furniture.  All was well.  Sydney and I headed into the house to get Anthony some clean clothes and a towel.  After getting into dry clothes, Anthony was hanging out on the porch when he did a typical 4 year old oops…  he did not make it to the bathroom fast enough and had an accident on the doormat.  I helped him out and in those few quick minutes, Sydney, who was sitting in the middle of the living room tumbled forwards and banged her head on a toy.  She cried, which if you know Sydney meant that it really hurt!  Poor baby now has a shiner on the outside of her eye.  BAD MOMMY!!!  I called Randall later that afternoon and reported the injury.  I felt so terribly incompetent.  One day on the job and I bruise the baby.  Sorry Sydney!  I’ll do better tomorrow.